Ghost of the Golden Handcuffs

As I sit here, halfway through my severance contract, I can feel myself being pulled into an all too familiar dilemma: society-approved safety or risky passion business?

I still feel the pinch of the golden handcuffs even though I was set free.

Do I keep focusing on my coaching business or do I start taking job search more seriously? I still have 2 months of my severance left and can still get unemployment benefits after that. What I want to do is focus on my business and give it everything I’ve got because I know that job search and subsequent job acquisition takes so much time and energy. One of the big problems then is the fact that I haven’t been doing as much as I need to to get coaching clients yet. So there’s a bit of self-doubt that says I’m not disciplined enough to create a successful business; but will I be more disciplined if I get another soulless corporate gig? No. What I’m really after is security. I believe that it’s a false sense of security right now because, damn, I’ve gotten laid off twice. But girl, did those jobs pay so well! 

I think I’ve successfully overcome the belief that I need a 6-figure salary job to consider myself a responsible parent, but I still find myself thinking: yeah, that’s easy to say when I’m pulling 6-figures even after being laid off. I know what being poor is like, I know what it’s like to struggle and I don’t want to! But as long as my daughter is eating relatively healthy food, has a home, and can have some fun, I’ve met my fiscal responsibilities with her! The rest is having time for her, being in a fun and loving attitude, and having shared experiences. 

Is a parent who is making $60k or less as a store manager irresponsible for not going back to school for a tech, medical, or law degree? Of course not; it just feels that way to me because it feels like falling.

Even still, downsizing is draining to consider. I’m already trying to get rid of my car for something cheaper, but my living situation feels so threatening. How can I possibly afford to keep our place to ourselves on a budding coaching practice? Seems like I’ll have to move us both into the same room and rent the other out for it to make sense financially; but I don’t want to do that! Nobody wants to do that.

All of these fears and this confusion are so normal and expected. The big question is: what do I want my life to be about?

I want to make sure that every day is about being fully myself and working to help and serve others to do the same. And, I want my daughter to see that’s a meaningful way to live. I’m okay with her seeing me struggle, so long as she also sees me trying to be great and do amazing things in the world–not just get as much money as possible from an employer. The struggle now is more about me and being okay with a different lifestyle than I set out for 8 years ago when I started in Computer Science. 

I want a life fully lived, not simply traded for comfort. This is counter-cultural! It doesn’t look successful until you have the material wealth to show for it, but I don’t care much about that anymore. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a taurus, I do love nice things. I’d love a fancy house, luxury car, lavish vacations, and designer clothes. But I now believe that I could get those things if I help enough people through business. To take that even further, I don’t care if I get those things at all as long as I leave my mark and I model for my daughter what a life well-lived looks like. You can’t take the stuff with you when you die.

This is what I want to help people get to with their life: reject false security and claim their destiny. 

If you're wrestling with your own version of this tension between security and meaning, that's exactly the kind of work I love supporting people through. Feel free to reach out if you want to explore what's possible.