My Ambition Goblin and Me

This is my ambition goblin, Earl.

He used to be my most trusted advisor when I decided to go to college in my late 20s. He also used to be huge, green, and a lot uglier.

Our Early Relationship

Before I met him I didn't believe in myself, I thought I was stupid, I thought having nice things and a high income was out of reach. I lived small and was too afraid to try doing hard things.

When Earl and I started hanging out, we talked a lot about how I saw everyone around me getting great white-collar jobs, high salaries, buying houses, and going on trips. We talked about how professionally accomplished my in-laws were, and how my wife and family probably didn't respect me much as a Massage Therapist. I told him how I felt that all my massage clients were living better lives because they could easily afford a monthly massage. I complained to him about long hours in dark, windowless rooms rubbing oil on rich peoples aching backs and how boring it was. I wanted more than that.

So he and I created a plan to change. I was going to go to school for Computer Science and become a Software Engineer; there's gold in them there Seattle hills! I had my G.I. Bill from my time in service, and it was time to use it!

After barely graduating high school, getting a B.S. in Computer Science & Software Engineering was truly an ambitious goal. I’d have to take so many math classes— I’m terrible at math! But I did it. I overcame school closure (thanks ITT Tech) and starting all over again, I got honors almost every quarter, I participated in undergraduate research, I had great internships, I got married, I had a kid, and I landed a jobs at GM and Microsoft soon out of school.

Life Got Complicated

COVID struck, my marriage fell apart, I learned about my gender queerness and started transitioning, I was a part-time single parent, and my new careers as a Software Engineer & Product Manager weren’t as fitting and fulfilling as I thought they would be. I went through a layoff, and the high salaries didn’t stave off a sense of misalignment.

Earl became MORE obsessed with my professional progress than I was. He was relentless in telling me how lazy I was, how behind I was falling, how disorganized I’d become. He kept nagging me about how I have a kid to take care of that deserves an ever-increasing standard of living, how I worked so hard to get where I am just to not want it anymore, how bad other people have it, and that I should just shut up and be grateful.

This drove me a little koo-koo-bananas. I couldn’t tell when he was right and when he was just freaking out. The pressure was making me more anxious and less effective in my work. I became a perfectionist and a procrastinator, trying to avoid failing living up to Earl’s standards. I was judging every little step and misstep. I lost my discipline, motivation, and belief in myself. Neither one of us was helping the situation.

In Earl’s Defense

Now look, Earl wasn’t crazy. He was really just trying to hold me accountable to the goals I had set for myself and all the ways I used to want my life to be. He cares that I’m disciplined, organized, and will put in the effort needed to accomplish what I set out to do. However, he didn’t go through all of the life changes I went through. He was there, sure, but he couldn’t truly understand how I felt.

He also didn’t take into account that after I accomplished all those goals I set out for, that I might have been after them for the wrong reasons. That maybe the best things to come out of accomplishments are what I learn about myself and who I become on the journey.

Earl’s Intervention

So today I had a chat with Earl.

I told him that I learned what had fueled my ambition in those years came from a place of anxiety and insecurity.

I told him that I was loved and enough just the way I was.

I told him that if I had loved myself, I could have accomplished just as much but for something that was better for me.

I told him that it was okay and that this was the lesson I needed to learn.

I thanked him so graciously for all his help and guidance, for without him I don’t think I could’ve gotten so far.

We discussed how he could be most helpful going forward with my new life and career goals.

I told him that providing a good quality life for myself and my daughter is still my top priority, and that quality was more centered toward meaningfulness, values, and having enough.

I told him that I still really needed his help with being disciplined and organized, and that we could meet for 30 minutes to an hour each day for planning.

I told him he was allowed to motivate me through positive encouragement and reminding me of my values when I stray, but that he has to do this in a kind & compassionate way.

I told him that if he started gettin judgey and freaking out about money and status, he would have to go sit on the stoop in time-out.

I thanked him for being willing to change so that we could still work together, even though it would be hard at times.

Then the most amazing thing happened— he shrunk and turned PINK!

What used to be an ugly, green, knobby, big, greedy, arrogant fella turned into a kind lil hot pink (and less ugly) guy ready to help me live out my calling. 

If you’re dealing with similar issues with an inner critic, I have an exercise for that!